Fireflies

I set out on my run tonight.  Full of joy from this weekend; a wonderful time spent with family.  Heavy already from the load of the week.  and the laundry.  and the groceries.  and the sleep deprivation.  and it's only Tuesday!  My legs resist.  I make it a mile and a half and walk.  Just two weeks ago, I ran a half marathon.  I am amazed by the power of the mind over the body.  I told myself I was going to keep running no matter what.  and I did.  and it was so hard.  I wanted to cry, but I kept going.  I kept running.  I couldn't breathe, so I forced myself to stop crying.  I suppressed my emotions and focused all energy into continuing that long gruesome trek to the finish.  and I finished.

But tonight, I don't have it in me.  or, I'll say, I've decided to allow my mind to ease up on the body.  to give up.  to give in. to give over to emotions.  I rest.  and I cry.  I notice the beautiful purple orange sky; the swirls of puffy white dancing between scarves of pink and I lift up my eyes.  I breathe in His glory.  The question arises.  The same question David asked long ago, "From where shall my help come?"

I am so tired, Lord.  I am so tired.  I am always running.  Running everywhere.  Where is my rest?  I just want to stop sometimes and catch a breath.  I question my strength.  I question my stamina.  I need help.

My help comes from the Lord.

I am reminded of the story of King Asa in 2 Chronicles.  When he looked out over the valley and saw enemies drawing together in battle formation.  "Then Asa called to the Lord his God and said, "Lord, there is no one besides You to help in the battle between the powerful and those who have no strength; so help us, O Lord, You are our God, for we trust in you, and in Your name have come against this multitude." (2 Chronicles 14:11)

...the battle between the powerful and those who have no strength...  There is NO ONE besides YOU to help.....

This is me tonight.  So many seemingly powerful forces pressing in on a woman who feels she has no strength.  Not even enough strength to complete a run.  Not even enough to complete a walk, for I have stopped and now sit.  Then again, rest is good.  Rest is remembrance.  I need to stop and remember I am HIS daughter.

My help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth.  He will not allow your foot to slip; He who keeps you will not slumber.

You need no sleep Lord, so I may rest.  You stay awake and alert, guarding your daughter.  You and you alone are my HELP;  my help in ALL things.  I can rest because you fight for me in the battle between all of those powerful forces and my weary state.  You strengthen me.

I glance to my right and gasp in awe.  My path brings me to an open space among trees.  Fireflies sprinkle illuminated glitter low above the grass.  Is it already time for them?  Who knows how they know.  How they know it's warm enough.  How they know when to bring the light into darkness.  Perhaps they are always there, glowing in and out, and only when our day darkens are we able to see this gift.

Hmm.  I smile.  A tear pools.  As the blinking yellow glow of fireflies whisper "summer's coming...summer's coming....", my Heavenly Father reminds me my help isn't just on the way.  It's always been here.  Sometimes, I haven't seen it.  Sometimes, I've had to go looking for it.  Sometimes, I've had to wait for it.  And sometimes, I've been surprised to find it glowing in breathtaking beauty in the midst of darkness.  And it has taken my breath away.

My help comes from the Lord.

Through the Pain... we find the Promise

I was driving through Charleston one beautiful day last week preparing to lead worship for a Women's event.  It was one of those days when the beauty of that city absolutely took your breath away.  The sky couldn't have been bluer.. full of white puffy clouds.  Clouds I could jump in.  Clouds I could snuggle in to.  Crossing over bridge after bridge.. the water sparkling.  The water fluttering.  The water waving.  Waving up to me.  "See how beautiful!"  I am moved to speak aloud, "Thank you Lord, for this beautiful, beautiful day."

Then little rain drops out of nowhere begin to sprinkle.  Not pelting rain.  Not even a shower... a sprinkle here and there.  As if someone were casting seeds of rain from high.  The sun is shinning brighter than ever.  There isn't a gray cloud in the sky.  So I begin searching hard.  It's what I always do when there is rain and sun together.  I look for the rainbow.  I know it's somewhere.. and it usually is.  And when I find it on these rare occasions I think, And there is the Promise.  A covenant the Lord has made with His people... to never destroy His world by water.

I glance underneath to the oceans of river I am crossing.  This will never rise too high and swallow me up because you said so, Lord.  Your promises are true and forever.  I think on His other promises.  True and Forever.

Why in the rain of our lives do we not begin searching for the rainbow?  The Son is ALWAYS shinning.  His light is always penetrating the darkness... He is bringing the darkness to the light.  Why in the pain of our lives do we run toward fear.. and feelings of abandonment...our idols for comfort?  We LEAVE our Comforter.  We flee our Father and Defender.

Only through the rain do we grab glimpse of the rainbow.  It is the pain that draws us to the Promise.

So in the pain.. seek hard, my friends.  It's there.  It's written deep on and in our hearts... the Promise.  He is faithful.  He is good.  He is love.  Real love.  Love that pursues and fights and never settles.  Never changes its mind.  Love that is never conditional... quite the opposite.  Love we can't comprehend... but it's there.  It's here.  Calling our names.  Our names which have been written on His hands before we even came into being.  We are His... forever.

Look!  I almost reach my destination and there it was:  His bow...the Promise.

"Not one of the good promises which the Lord had made to the house of Israel failed; all came to pass."

Joshua 21:45 

Give me the hills!

I operate through life with a default desire for ease.  I want peace.  I want harmony.  I want easy.  I want the weight loss without the diet.  I want "delicious" without the calories.  I want great payback with little or no effort.

Like I said, this is my default.  This is where I instinctively begin.  Only Christ has the power to go into my "control panel" and alter that setting.

So, it would be to no surprise, that as I have been training for an upcoming half-marathon, I would begin to seek out easier running routes.  There are SO many hills in and around my neighborhood.  It's grueling.  It's tiresome.  Feeling fatigued one morning, I set out to run, but this time I went to an outdoor track.   

Ah, no hills... just stay in the lines and run the circle.. no thinking.... easy.

..so I thought.

As I got only about a half mile into my run, I felt nearly paralyzed.  It was torture!  The same thing over and over.  Nothing new.  Just round and round.  There was no shade.  The sun beat down hard.  Equal distance each time... ground equally leveled.  The minutes couldn't have moved any slower.  I almost quit!

While I agonized, Christ moved in and did a little work on my settings.

I so often have such a misplaced ideal.  I think easy and predictable is the goal.  If life were only less chaotic.  No surprise detours.  No muddy patches.  No ups and downs.  No rain.  Or wind.  Just give me round and round.. level ground within the confines of a perfectly erected arena... life would work.  Then I could keep running.. and I could run well!  But it's in the hills that builds strength in our muscles.  We acquire the stamina to continue longer..  run further.  The gentle downward slopes allow us rest and recovery.  The twist and turns of unknown terrain provide motivation to continue on... to see what's around the corner.  The track makes me want to quit.  I see where I'm going.  I see I'm accomplishing nothing in particular, but filling time and adding miles.  So many people live life running the track.  Life is the race and we are His athletes.  How are you training?  

There is so much beauty in the work; in the preparation.  Our race is longer than 13.1 miles.  It is ongoing.  But we have a Coach who is interceding ALWAYS on our behalf.. who has designed a training program specifically for each one of our needs so we may run our best and finish well.  He is building into our program faith strengthening climbs, recovery slopes, hope distances.  Where there is rain... He is on the sidelines extending to us a poncho.  Where we are dry.. He is bringing cups of water.  Where we are weak... He provides the Powerbar.  And HE IS WAITING FOR US AT THE FINISH LINE!

I left that track as fast as I could.  I ran the park.  With each hill I trudged, I thanked the Lord for the hardships in my life...because I was still running... because I am stronger because of them...because HE is the strongest over all.  Quit?  Never.  Not now.  I don't want predictable and easy.  Predictability paralyzes.  It's the hard stuff that keeps us running.

Give me the hills!  My body is better for it.  My soul is strengthened by it.

Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, 

let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, 

and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us.

fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, 

who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, 

and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, 

so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. 

Hebrews 12:1-3

I love you dot. dot. dot.

"Mommy, do you know how much I love you?  I love you really, really, really, dot. dot. dot." Emma Faye shared with me in our car ride to the mall.  I needed to pick up a few things and, to be honest, I can't remember the last time I actually took advantage of spending time with my two youngest.  Thomas was happily gazing out the window, pointing every few minutes in exclamation "SKY!!!!!"  "SKY!!!!"  (One of his favorite new words).

I used to do fun activities with Will and Josh ALL the time when they were young.  I would go for long walks through downtown Charleston.  We would meet friends at parks or the children's museum.  AND I would go to the mall.  Run a few errands and we would have lunch out.  I thought to myself, "Why don't I do this anymore?"  So, this particular day, I left the cereal bowls, the laundry, the UNmopped kitchen floor, the UNvaccummed den, and set out for a day with my babies.  Off to the mall, and then lunch at the food court, THEN a ride on the carousel in said food court.  :)

Emma Faye said it again, "I love you. dot. dot. dot."

"Emma Faye, what does 'dot.dot.dot.' mean?"  I questioned.

"Will told me that 'dot.dot.dot' means it goes on and on and on.  SO, that's how much I love you," she quickly answered.

My heart melted.  This is why I need to do more of this.  Thank you, Lord for bringing my heart BACK to my children. From the distractions.... From self-absorption....oh, THANK YOU, Jesus.

We proceeded with our errands.  We ate lunch and then mounted our ponies on the carousel.  What joy my little girl and baby boy wore on their faces.  We went round and round... up and down.  And I was full of joy.  I savored those minutes.  So simple.  So beautiful.  So precious.

So often, culture presents mothering as an empty cart going nowhere, but around and around in the same circle... up and down.. in the SAME circle ~ fruitless.  waste of time.  But are you watching your children?  Their life is a carousel.  The round and round and up and down is magical.  It's a gift.  The sky is to be applauded.  Colors and textures are fascinating.  Errands are more than errands. 

From the minute a child enters into our lives, the clock begins ticking when they will enter out.  This is but a short season.  I have been given a charge to raise them to the best of my ability.  I have been duped over and over by what I think I NEED in order to mother them well.  I need only a heart open to God's word.  I don't need an enormous house. I don't need a huge yard. I don't need to throw the best birthday parties.  I don't need to take them on extravagant vacations.  I don't for them to have extra-curricular activities.  I don't need to have all the cool toys and video games.  I need MY heart to be filled with Christ.  Christ must pour into me, so I may then pour into them. 

{I breathe deep.  This is balm to my soul today. }

Jesus, you are SO SO good.  Keep my life simple and small.  Keep my heart large for you and needing you.  Keep distractions from me.  Keep me unsatisfied with this world so I will rely on YOU for everything.


The ride was over, but my day.. my week.. had just begun.  Refreshed, I placed Thomas in his stroller.  Emma Faye clasped my hand as we headed out toward the parking lot.  I leaned down near my precious, beautiful daughter and in blurry-eyes whispered, I love you dot. dot. dot.


A smile causing her eyes to almost close enveloped her face. 

"I know what that means," she giggled.

Thank you for this day, Lord.  I love you...

What a beautiful day.  My life is full of the simple.

"SKY!!!"  Thomas continued all the way home.  :)

Read this today and it ministered to me......

"I watch over My word to accomplish it."  Jeremiah 1:12

Jesus entered earth's atmosphere quietly one night in Bethlehem's stable, and the promise You had first spoken in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3:15) was fulfilled.  A promise You had renewed through every generation.  A hope and expectation that You kept alive in your people.  All the time, You were preparing the way for the promise, laying the groundwork for its fulfillment, readying the hearts of Your people.

Jesus, You are the proof that our God is a God whose promises are sure.  When it looks to me as if You are neglecting Your promises, let my heart see You, the Promise, lying incongruously on a bed of hay, transforming the ordinary into the holy.  My soul waits for the fullness of time.   

 {Pursuing the Christ by Jennifer Kennedy Dean}

The Story of the Orphaned Lamb

There once was an orphaned lamb who had wandered into the wood.  She was wounded.  She was fearful.  She was alone.  She was lost.  She heard nothing but the sounds of pine straw crunching 'neath her feet along with an occasional snap of a fallen tree branch as she walked aimlessly in circles.  It would be night soon.  "Where should I go?"  she thought to herself.  Just then she felt strong arms of a human grabbing her, lifting her into the air.  She struggled, but her broken, wounded body could not free itself.  She surrendered and was slung over His shoulders.  She then recognized His face.  He was her Shepherd.  "Don't be afraid, now." he said in a quiet, warm tone and carried her through the wood, through the pasture full of grazing sheep, and into His house.  He began to care for her wounds.  He set out food for her to eat.  He washed her dirty coat.  He spoke gently to her.

He seemed kind.  He probably could be trusted, but the little lamb chose to fear.  She didn't know where she was.  She had never taken food out of a bowl.  She had never had bandages wrapped around her legs.  She had never felt this clean.  She felt trapped.  She felt fearful.  She felt alone.  She glanced out of the farmhouse window watching all the other sheep happily grazing along the far hillside.  All the little lamb could do was think about the other sheep out in the pasture.  She wanted to be with them... for what was most familiar, felt most safe.

She stayed for quite some time in the Shepherd's house.  Most days she would try to escape, but the Shepherd was much too fast and clever for her.  She could never be free of Him.  "You aren't quite ready sweet girl.  You need to heal, darlin'.  Trust me little lamb."  He would say.  She grew to detest His words to her.  She didn't like being here.. alone.. with just Him.  "But I don't understand.  Why do you have me here!" she would tell him.  "One day, you will understand.  One day, you will," He would reply.

The day finally came when the Shepherd brought the orphaned lamb outside and turned her loose unto a different field.  There were other sheep, here.  She was curious, thankful to be out, yet still disappointed.  Some of these sheep couldn't walk very well.  Some seemed very weak, but they were kind.  They greeted her tenderly and welcomed her into their flock.  She still pinned for other pasture.  Reluctantly, she entered into the fold which was extended to her.

"But I don't understand.  Why did you put me HERE!  You know where I want to be.  I'm ready.  Can't you see?"  she pleaded again to the Shepherd.

"One day you will understand.  One day, you will.  I promise."  He replied.

With each day her strength grew.  She walked around with the other lambs in her flock.  Some had been orphaned, too.  Some had been severely broken and beaten.  Some had been attacked by wolves, but ALL had spent time in the Shepherd's house.  All had eaten from His bowl - fed from His hand.  All had been washed and bandaged and loved on by the Shepherd.  Some had shared in her frustration of feeling held captive at first.  Others were extremely thankful.  All were encouraging.  For the first time, the orphaned lamb did not feel fearful.  She did not feel wounded.  She did not feel alone. 

And then it happened!  The Shepherd called for her.  "I think you are ready, sweet girl," he said smiling.  "Come on, let's go on with the rest 'em."  She followed Him as He led her out towards the open field.  She was finally going with the other sheep. "There ya go," and just like that He set her free.

She watched Him standing guard in the sunlight.  A full grown ewe, now, she had remembered as a lamb seeing Him, but never really seeing Him.  She never paid much attention to Him.  He was always someone poking and prodding her to move on from where she thought she wanted to go.  He looked different to her today.. and she understood ~ just as the Shepherd had promised.

He rescued me.  It wasn't good for me to be out with the other sheep, for I was wounded and small and weak.  I was an orphan.  So out of His great love, He brought me into His own house...not His barn, not in a pen by the backdoor...by His bed.  I didn't know how to get my own food, so He fed me. I couldn't walk well, so He carried me.  I couldn't keep up with the healthy larger sheep, so when I was strong enough, He surrounded me with sheep that, too, had been wounded.  Sheep that had shared in a similar story as me, in order to bring me encouragement.  And all the while I wanted to be away from Him.  I felt He was being cruel.  No.  He was being just the opposite.  He is a Good Shepherd.

The orphaned lamb couldn't keep her eyes off of Him.  She watched His every move... noticing when she was venturing too far.. anticipating His calling for return to the stable. Though at times she still wandered, the Shepherd was faithful every time to bring her back.  She had forgotten all about the other sheep in the bigger pasture.  She realized that her Shepherd meant more to her than life itself.  He was the reason she was alive and well.  It mattered no longer whether she lived in a barn, or house, a backyard, a tiny field, or an enormous green pasture... as long as she was with Him.  As long as she was near Him, the little orphaned lamb was not fearful.  She was never alone.  She was content.  She was joyful.  She wasn't lost anymore; she belonged to Someone.  She was no longer an orphan.

When other sheep noticed her contented, joyful heart, they became curious.  "Why are you never fearful?  Where do you find your joy?" the little lambs would ask.

Then she would tell her story...

...and other sheep came to know Him as the Good Shepherd, as well.

THE END

I once was lost, but now I see ~ "Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."  (1 Thessalonians 5:18)

{untitled}

It was freezing today.  Snowflakes mixed with rain fell from cloud covered skies.  It was gloomy.  So was my heart.  There was a war zone going on.  I washed the little outfit that Will wore when he was dedicated as a baby.  Thomas wears it now.  I've washed it several times, but today I just looked at it until I could no longer see through my watery eyes.  Seven years have passed since my baby first wore this.  SEVEN.

I struggle with the day to day difficulty in mothering.  I fight my fleshly desire to retreat... to long for the day to end... to idolize "me" time... alone time... to disengage with my family.  My flesh feeds on lies that vacation makes things better, being close to family makes life easier, having a husband that doesn't work often is the answer.  I selfishly pine for days when I can sit in on days like these and watch Little Women in silence.  All lies.  All lies, because this is not what I truly want.  Because those lies are not grounded in reality.  We only have today.  Today matters.  We can't change our past.  Our future is full of dreams that may or may not occur.  But Today, Today is what counts.  Today is happening.  I want to live in the now.  Stay engaged.  I desire only a pause from the chaos, really.  Just enough to catch my breath.  In frustration,  I dare ask, "Is that too much to ask, Lord?"

I went running.

As I prayed, I realized, that I have my Pause.  I have my Rest amidst the chaos.  I need to learn to rest in Jesus in today.  He is here.  There is good around me.  There is good in the disciplining of children.  There is good in the labor for contentment.  There is much good in the longing for Heaven... in the realizing that nothing here will ever satisfy like Jesus.  No money, No time, No perfect body, No perfect child, no perfect job, no perfect house, No perfect yard, no perfect party, no perfect pet, no perfect furniture... NOTHING.  All will leave us empty and dry.. except for Christ.

I looked out the window of my gym.  The rain was still coming down.  Images of water brought to mind scripture references of living water, fountains, river of life.

If anyone thirsts, let him come to Me and drink.  He who believes in Me, as the scripture has said, out of his heart will flow rivers of living water. (John 7:37-38)

I remembered the words of a song I penned a few months ago.  They ministered to me more today.  Our rest is waiting for us.  There IS a fountain.  We must come and drink.  We must come and rest.  We must come and take our contentment He promises to give.  Oh, JOY!  There IS joy here in this place.

Come to the Fountain, my beloved
it's okay to be weak
my water strengthens, renews, replenishes
come to the Fountain, come and drink

Come to the Fountain, my beloved
wounded heart, do not fear
my river deepens faith that has weakened
come to the fountain, I AM here

I AM the Lifter of you head
I AM the Lover of your soul
I AM healing your broken
I AM the One making you whole

Come to the Fountain, my beloved
leave your dirty, thirsty shore
my shower cleanses, my drink, it quenches
come to the Fountain, thirst no more

I AM lifting up your head
I AM loving your soul
I AM healing your broken
I AM making you whole

Come to the Fountain, my beloved
here your TRUE salvation lies
come and wade in, oh come and bathe in
come to the Fountain, come and find

beloved, you are mine

There are days we feel so empty.  We may feel we have lost a little of our faith.  But I believe, it is in THESE moments, that Christ is in the process of digging for us deeper wells in which He will pour MORE of Himself into.  The more the empty, the more room He has to inhabit.  The fact is, He is not just the Lifter of our head and Lover of our soul once in a while.  In all things, He is loving our souls.  I believe this.  It has taken me years to believe this, but I know it now.  The water He gives us is meant for our good.  Always.  Today, it just happens to be in the form of a freezing rain.