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It was freezing today.  Snowflakes mixed with rain fell from cloud covered skies.  It was gloomy.  So was my heart.  There was a war zone going on.  I washed the little outfit that Will wore when he was dedicated as a baby.  Thomas wears it now.  I've washed it several times, but today I just looked at it until I could no longer see through my watery eyes.  Seven years have passed since my baby first wore this.  SEVEN.

I struggle with the day to day difficulty in mothering.  I fight my fleshly desire to retreat... to long for the day to end... to idolize "me" time... alone time... to disengage with my family.  My flesh feeds on lies that vacation makes things better, being close to family makes life easier, having a husband that doesn't work often is the answer.  I selfishly pine for days when I can sit in on days like these and watch Little Women in silence.  All lies.  All lies, because this is not what I truly want.  Because those lies are not grounded in reality.  We only have today.  Today matters.  We can't change our past.  Our future is full of dreams that may or may not occur.  But Today, Today is what counts.  Today is happening.  I want to live in the now.  Stay engaged.  I desire only a pause from the chaos, really.  Just enough to catch my breath.  In frustration,  I dare ask, "Is that too much to ask, Lord?"

I went running.

As I prayed, I realized, that I have my Pause.  I have my Rest amidst the chaos.  I need to learn to rest in Jesus in today.  He is here.  There is good around me.  There is good in the disciplining of children.  There is good in the labor for contentment.  There is much good in the longing for Heaven... in the realizing that nothing here will ever satisfy like Jesus.  No money, No time, No perfect body, No perfect child, no perfect job, no perfect house, No perfect yard, no perfect party, no perfect pet, no perfect furniture... NOTHING.  All will leave us empty and dry.. except for Christ.

I looked out the window of my gym.  The rain was still coming down.  Images of water brought to mind scripture references of living water, fountains, river of life.

If anyone thirsts, let him come to Me and drink.  He who believes in Me, as the scripture has said, out of his heart will flow rivers of living water. (John 7:37-38)

I remembered the words of a song I penned a few months ago.  They ministered to me more today.  Our rest is waiting for us.  There IS a fountain.  We must come and drink.  We must come and rest.  We must come and take our contentment He promises to give.  Oh, JOY!  There IS joy here in this place.

Come to the Fountain, my beloved
it's okay to be weak
my water strengthens, renews, replenishes
come to the Fountain, come and drink

Come to the Fountain, my beloved
wounded heart, do not fear
my river deepens faith that has weakened
come to the fountain, I AM here

I AM the Lifter of you head
I AM the Lover of your soul
I AM healing your broken
I AM the One making you whole

Come to the Fountain, my beloved
leave your dirty, thirsty shore
my shower cleanses, my drink, it quenches
come to the Fountain, thirst no more

I AM lifting up your head
I AM loving your soul
I AM healing your broken
I AM making you whole

Come to the Fountain, my beloved
here your TRUE salvation lies
come and wade in, oh come and bathe in
come to the Fountain, come and find

beloved, you are mine

There are days we feel so empty.  We may feel we have lost a little of our faith.  But I believe, it is in THESE moments, that Christ is in the process of digging for us deeper wells in which He will pour MORE of Himself into.  The more the empty, the more room He has to inhabit.  The fact is, He is not just the Lifter of our head and Lover of our soul once in a while.  In all things, He is loving our souls.  I believe this.  It has taken me years to believe this, but I know it now.  The water He gives us is meant for our good.  Always.  Today, it just happens to be in the form of a freezing rain.