No White Spaces

"Mommy, will you help me finish my picture?" Emma Faye's sweet voice interrupted my deep thought.

I was moving about our house cleaning, clearing, organizing....trying to bring some kind of order to our "new" house (new to us) after the explosion of Christmas vacation. It had seemed a whirlwind how we had found ourselves, here, on this bleak January morning... transplanted within unfamiliar walls and foreign floors. We moved one week before Thanksgiving, left for South Carolina for a week with family, then returned... all suffering with a stomach virus which lasted about two weeks... still somehow Christmas came... and went... and we had a wonderful holiday.

However, once the tree was dislodged from it's stand and the decorations came down, I found myself to be somewhat lost in this "new" home. Thrust back into our reality that we were living in a rental and were in a season of transition and uncertainty. We all felt like we had moved away, when actually it was only just a few miles. We were unpacked and had squeezed all of our belongings into this little cottage, still it felt bare. I was struggling.... fighting to believe that I am loved by my Savior... that He knows all the things I don't... He has got all of this... He is looking at the plans and carrying them out... and that all of these statements, aren't just "happy thoughts and wishes"... but PROMISES.

"So will you? Please?"

I smiled, "yes, let's finish it together."

"Ok, it's gonna take a long time. See, Mommy, you have to cover all of it with this marker... the WHOLE background... no white spaces. I want it to look like how God colors," she said so matter of fact like. I was so confused. I asked her what she meant... we were coloring a reindeer in the snow and she wanted me to color everything else blue like the sky, but apparently I wasn't coloring enough blue.

"No white spaces means, ALL colored. I don't want any of the paper to show... like this..."

..and time froze for a moment. I couldn't believe the insight of my five year old. Not only was I suddenly overwhelmed by the mere gift of just being able to be her mother, but also by the depth of what she began to share....

She then turned to the window and lifted up the blind and said, "like this Mommy... see.. look outside... do you see any white spaces? See how every single thing is colored. God didn't leave anything out. See, even like the air...no white spaces....but I know I won't get it as perfect as God does, but still I want to color as much as I can... will you help me?"

I did look out that window. I had a hard time seeing anything, though, through the tears. But I wiped them away so I COULD see the world God had colored. It was bleak and gray and windy. The ground was damp. The leaves squishy.....

(no white spaces)

God had colored it all. He'd left nothing out. Once again, He speaks to me through my child... my artist.. who finds the beauty in a winter afternoon. I pondered the winter days of my heart. God has colored every one. He doesn't start a masterpiece and leave it undone. He completes it.... and He completes it with perfection.

(no white spaces)

Holy Father, Emmanuel....you meet us where we are.... you are our supply. Thank you giving us this beautiful world FULL of color and light even on the gray, black and white days. Thank you for coloring our hearts... even the deep, dark places.

You leave no white spaces .....

...none.

Ring Loud the Bells of Hope

"Then Herod, when he saw that he had been tricked by the wise men, became furious, and sent and killed all the male children in Bethlehem and in all that region who were two years old or under....Then was fulfilled what was spoken by the prophet Jeremiah,
"A voice was heard in Ramah, weeping and loud lamentation.
Rachel weeping for her children.
She refused to be comforted because they are no more" Matthew 2:16-18

I was rocking Thomas to sleep for his nap. He asked me for his favorite song. I begin...

"He's got the whole world in His hands... He's got the..whole world...." I struggled to get it out. My mortal mind... my finite reasoning is struggling to sing these words this afternoon.

Really, God? You have the WHOLE world in your hands.... even Newton? How? How can this be? Why would you allow this to happen to innocent children?

".. in His Hands...He's got the whole world in His hands..."

again, Mommy.
(I sigh) I sing again. In tears I speak the truth. Maybe my heart will listen because my mind is elsewhere. I pray for the Holy Spirit to search my soul for the Truth that I know is in there. And then I was reminded of the weeping and killing of innocent children soon after Christ's birth. Children murdered just because they were male and infants. It is no different than children murdered just because they went to school. Soldiers barged into homes... into HOMES... and killed the baby boys. I have three sons. My youngest is 2.

There is nothing new under the sun. The Bible reminds us of this over and over again that this world offers suffering and only glimpses of our promised joy. There has always been the shedding of innocent blood. It hurts. Sin brings pain... but this why He came.

"She will bear a son and you shall call his name, Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins." Matthew 1:21

As I celebrate the season of Advent... I long for the Advent which is to come... when all will be restored... when all will be well.... when we will take hold of our promise. Until then, I grieve with the hope of that promise. I rejoice in the songs of Christmas because this season marks the beginning of this fulfillment. May the bells of hope ring loud until the trumpet is blown. Truth is everything. You DO hold the WHOLE world, Jesus... and you are coming. You are coming to take captive that which you have set free.

The "Real" Treasures

I just love how the most heartfelt Little House on the Prairie episodes seem to open with Laura narrating these words, "If I had a remembrance book, I would write this down...".  As I was packing boxes late last night watching an old episode, I thought about that statement as I reflected over these past few months.

God is so good.  If I had a remembrance book, I would record all of the ways The Lord has been faithful and good to us during this season.

We are moving to a little house not far from our home now.  A "temporary" home as we have called it, although I am learning that everything on this earth is our temporary home.  As I pack and purge all of the "stuff" we have acquired, I am reminded of true treasures.... the pictures.  Not the ones we paid for that hang on our walls and decorate our Facebook pages; bought all the matching outfits for.  No, I am speaking of the snapshots.  The ones in little picture frames, or hanging on our fridge by a magnet.  The ones thrown in a drawer.  The real smiles.  The dirty clothes.  The real life  ones.  Then there are the memories. The conversations like, "Mommy, I am going to miss our water puddle after it rains."  or "Mommy, remember when this room used to be yellow?"  "Remember when I used to sleep in a crib, and now Thomas uses it?"  Touching up a wall and hearing my precious little girl saying she is sorry for writing on it.  life.

I struggle with wanting a Home.  Moving around is so hard for me.  I just want a "forever home"...whatever that means.  I am realizing that I actually DO have a home.  Because a home isn't walls and windows.   It isn't furniture or dishes.  It isn't paintings and yards.  It isn't pets and toys.  A home is life.

Jesus says that He is the way, the truth and the life.  He says for those willing to lose their own lives, will gain one;  an eternal one... a forever home.  I HAVE a forever home in Him.  A house isn't a home.  He is.  He speaks of storing up treasures in heaven... eternal treasures; those that are life-giving.

You can't pack life in a box.  But you can take it with you.  It can be stored.  If we invest in that which is most life-giving.  When we pause and make a memory.  When it becomes about the heart and not about the stuff and activities.  As I consume rolls and rolls of bubble wrap to protect the "precious" items, I realize that which I treasure most is already permanently sealed and stored for eternity.  In Christ, life, goes with us.  Life is our home both now and forever when Christ is our life.

This move is already sweet.   I have many boxes resting in our garage, ready to be transported, but much much more resting within my heart.  And I am glad for that.

Less like scars and more like character.

It's been a hard year 

But I'm climbing out of the rubble 

These lessons are hard 

Healing changes are subtle 

But every day it's

Less like tearing, more like building 

Less like captive, more like willing 

Less like breakdown, more like surrender 

Less like haunting, more like remember

And I feel you here 

And you're picking up the pieces 

Forever faithful 

It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation 

But you are able 

And in your hands the pain and hurt 

Look less like scars and more like 

Character

- Sarah Groves lyrics "Less Like Scars"

I hadn't heard this song in a LONG time and it came on my Pandora station the other morning during my run.  It was timely and quite the response I wish to give those who ask, "how's your summer been?"  It's just been that kind of summer.  Lots of tearing apart.. but MORE building anew.  Subtle changes; but changes none the less in my journey toward holiness... a broken road full of humility and grace.  Broken isn't bad, though.  Broken is beautiful.  Broken exposes our need for Christ... cries out to Christ... breathes Christ.  Yes, I am learning to be quite comfortable in my brokenness.  There is no shame in needing a Savior.  There is no shame in not being able to do.  THIS is why Jesus came.  Brokenness precedes the building.  I am but bones, but HE will cover me and clothe me in HIM.. and in Him, I become NEW.

The kids and I have LOVED going to the pool this summer.  We've spent much time up there and FINALLY Thomas joined our joyful troop of pool goers.  This took a while.  See, at first, Thomas was fearful of the water.  I would hold him and say, "I've got you, it's ok... I've got you.."  He would cling for dear life to me as I waded around the shallow end only letting his toes dip into the water... then his legs... then we would bob up and down.. up and down until I would see a smirk on his face followed by, "again, mommy.. again!"  Eventually he warmed up and wasn't fearful.. but every time we got in the water he immediately began saying, "I got you.  I got you."  I would repeat, "yes, I got you.  I got you."  We would walk around the pool together and in a loud confident voice, he repeated, "I got you.  I got you."

One morning, my eyes became a pool of their own.  I realized what Thomas was speaking.  In his fear, in his need of assurance.. he didn't speak HIS words:  "You have me.  Mommy has me."... he spoke MINE.  I GOT YOU.  

I thought about all of the times I have begun to fear.. all of the times I fight my doubt that God is in this... What would it mean for me to repeat the TRUTH Christ speaks over me!  YOU ARE MINE.  I LOVE YOU.  YOU ARE PRECIOUS.  DO NOT FEAR.  I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU NOR FORSAKE YOU.  I HAVE PLANS FOR YOU..PLANS TO PROSPER YOU... PLANS FOR HOPE AND FUTURE.  Not to question it... but to STATE it.  To speak it out loud in HIS own words.

This has profoundly affected me.  Through the lens of God's goodness, the trials are bearable... they have purpose...they are a part of the great story of my life HE has written.  Covered and cared for in the hands of Christ, that which wounds actually strengthens.  And in time.. according to His will... those wounds do indeed become less like scars, and more like character.

Thank you, Jesus.  Thank you for the work you did on the cross.  Thank you for the suffering you endured for me.  Thank you that you are always at work for our good.  May I speak your truth to myself as You speak it over me on my behalf to my Heavenly Father.  You are GOOD.  You ARE good!

"I GOT YOU!"

STOP living in the Now!!

I read what I thought to be one of the saddest blog posts from a young mother of four a few days ago.  It was written in a Voskamp-esque fashion in which she described this intense romantic love affair with a city.  Yes, a city.  She described all the things this city had taught her...how "he" (the city) had loved her well..inspired her... gave her peace..and understanding as to who she was... most importantly, "how to live in the NOW."  This, from a woman whose "living in the now" philosophy ended her with a divorce.  My heart grieves still.

Oh, how I cringe at that phrase.  I want to scream from the rooftops:

Oh believing women of faith, STOP LIVING IN THE NOW!!!!


Stop examining bubbles and butterflies and taking pictures and posting and blogging and tweeting and texting and everything else we do to worship our "now".. our "immediate moment."  Live for the Not Yet.


I know it's hard.  I know we come wired to "feel".  We are emotional.  We are fueled by deeply relating to one another.  We long to nurture and care. I am the FIRST to admit, when not in check, I am an emotional roller coaster. Emotions and passions are good qualities that can catapult us bravely into the Lord's work, but they can also be paralyzing.  Living in the Now and responding to immediate feelings that are driving our NOW can destroy our future.  They lead us astray.  There is little hope in the Now.  Have you ever thought about that?  The Now is of this earth.  The Now is decaying.  Anything that is beautiful and precious in our immediate Now, is only because it is a glimpse of the Not Yet.  Everything that is filled with beauty on this earth is but a dim, faded, eroded image, or emotion of that to come.

As C.S. Lewis so perfectly pens in The Great Divorce: "When you painted on earth- at least in your earlier days- it was because you caught glimpses of Heaven in the earthly landscape.  The success of your painting was that it enabled others to see the glimpses too."

Living in the Now only grants me my current feelings and circumstances in which to hope.  THAT in itself is hopeless enough.  Living for the Not Yet propels me to draw from a another well... a deeper well.. one that NEVER runs dry.  I drink.  I am supernaturally satisfied.  Nothing of this world can satiate quite like placing complete trust in Christ... and nothing of this world can remove it.  Here is the joy of living for the Not Yet.

I was awakened  yesterday morning to Psalm 130 being recited in my mind.  Yes, recited.  The words were audibly heard and I was grateful for the Spirit giving me this word from the Lord.

Out of the depths I have cried to You, O Lord;
Lord, hear my voice!  Let your ears be attentive to the voice of my supplications....
I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I do hope.  My soul waits for the Lord 
more than those who watch from the morning---yes, more than those who watch for the morning.


O, Israel, hope in the Lord; for with the Lord there is mercy, and with Him is abundant redemption.


I don't know where you find yourself today.  Are you living in your Now?  Hope in the Lord.  Wait for the Lord.  It's hard isn't it?--the waiting.  Hosea 6:3 states:


Let us acknowledge the LORD; let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth.”

"As surely as the run rises, he will appear."  THIS is why we wait for the Lord as those who watch for the morning.  Another translation says.. "as watchmen for the morning."  We stand on our wall, on guard.. waiting and looking NOT down at our feet and fearing- not distracted by our feelings of being exhausted or how we feel emotionally.. or how cold or hungry we are... NO!  We look out--to the horizon--waiting for the the DAWN!  Because unless the Lord returns, we can be assured that the sun is rising.  It rises EVERYDAY.  Completely reliable.  So it is with our great and awesome God!  We look out from our wall of darkness towards the HOPE that WILL appear.  Because He is coming.  The sun is rising.  The dawn is almost here.  We need not question.  He will appear and He will rain on us and water us.... soon!  but Now...we need to start living for more than this minute.  We need begin living beyond our own strength.  We need to begin living for the Not Yet!

Everything I needed to know in life I have learned from the song Jesus Loves Me

Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so....


I am loved.  I am dearly loved.  My Savior loves me.  I can KNOW this.  I don't have to wonder.  I don't have to think.  I don't have to "feel" loved.  I KNOW.. why?  Because scripture TELLS me so!  The Bible is truth and if it says it is so... it is.  I AM loved by my Savior, Jesus Christ.

Little ones to Him belong....


"My beloved is mine and I am his"  Song of Solomon 2:16

"But now, thus says the Lord, your Creator, O Jacob, And He who formed you, O Israel, "do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; your are MINE!"  Isaiah 43:1

"And He called a child to Himself and set him before them, and said, "Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven."  Matt. 18:2

I am a little one.  I am HIS little one... whom He has knit together.. whom He has created and known.. whom He loves... whom He guides and watches over... while I sleep.. when I rise...in my comings and goings of my day (Psalm 139)...whom He gives GOOD gifts..

"or what is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone?  or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he?  If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!"  Matt. 7:9-11

..because a child I am dependent upon HIM.. for food.. for water.. for ALL things!  There is NOTHING I have that hasn't been given to me FIRST from HIM.  All is HIS!  He has shared them with me.
..because I am a child, I trust Him.  I look to Him.  I obey Him.  He trains me in obedience.  He is always looking after my GOOD.

..they are weak, but He is STRONG.


Amen!  I am weak.  I am unable.  I am not equipped.  I can not.  I won't be able to.  I am feeble.  I am fearful.  HE is strong.  He is able.  He will equip me.  He CAN!  He is the Great I AM!  He strengthens feeble hands.  He gives courage to the fearful.  He gives wings to those who can't fly.  He carries those who can't walk.  He causes the blind to see.. and the lame to leap!  He heals.. He mends... He redeems... He repairs.  At our weakest... in HIM we become strong.  (2nd Corinthians 12:10).

Yes, Jesus loves me.  Yes, Jesus loves me.  Yes, Jesus loves me.


"Immediately the boy's father cried out and said, "I do believe; help me in my unbelief."  Mark 9:24

I will need this drilled into my heart over and over again.  I AM loved.  Yes.. He DOES love me... in difficult circumstances... in hard times.. in suffering.. in betrayal.  Yes, Jesus loves me.  Over and Over I need this reminder.  I am forgetful.  Does His love for me change?  NO!

....the Bible tells me so.


How do I know Jesus loves me?  Because I feel it?  Because everything in my life is working out?  Because my children are perfect?  Because my husband is perfect?  Because my body is well?  Because my relationships are thriving?  Because people like me?  Because I am wealthy?  Because I have everything I want?  Does this give me insight into exactly how deep His love is for me?  NO!  Because scripture TELLS ME.  Despite everything.. suffering.. hardship.. sickness... I am loved.  I love because He loved FIRST and foremost! (1 John 4:10)

This is all I need to know in life.  All trials are minimized first and foremost when filtered through the light of His love for me.  It's the simplest song.  It's the simplest Truth.

Fireflies

I set out on my run tonight.  Full of joy from this weekend; a wonderful time spent with family.  Heavy already from the load of the week.  and the laundry.  and the groceries.  and the sleep deprivation.  and it's only Tuesday!  My legs resist.  I make it a mile and a half and walk.  Just two weeks ago, I ran a half marathon.  I am amazed by the power of the mind over the body.  I told myself I was going to keep running no matter what.  and I did.  and it was so hard.  I wanted to cry, but I kept going.  I kept running.  I couldn't breathe, so I forced myself to stop crying.  I suppressed my emotions and focused all energy into continuing that long gruesome trek to the finish.  and I finished.

But tonight, I don't have it in me.  or, I'll say, I've decided to allow my mind to ease up on the body.  to give up.  to give in. to give over to emotions.  I rest.  and I cry.  I notice the beautiful purple orange sky; the swirls of puffy white dancing between scarves of pink and I lift up my eyes.  I breathe in His glory.  The question arises.  The same question David asked long ago, "From where shall my help come?"

I am so tired, Lord.  I am so tired.  I am always running.  Running everywhere.  Where is my rest?  I just want to stop sometimes and catch a breath.  I question my strength.  I question my stamina.  I need help.

My help comes from the Lord.

I am reminded of the story of King Asa in 2 Chronicles.  When he looked out over the valley and saw enemies drawing together in battle formation.  "Then Asa called to the Lord his God and said, "Lord, there is no one besides You to help in the battle between the powerful and those who have no strength; so help us, O Lord, You are our God, for we trust in you, and in Your name have come against this multitude." (2 Chronicles 14:11)

...the battle between the powerful and those who have no strength...  There is NO ONE besides YOU to help.....

This is me tonight.  So many seemingly powerful forces pressing in on a woman who feels she has no strength.  Not even enough strength to complete a run.  Not even enough to complete a walk, for I have stopped and now sit.  Then again, rest is good.  Rest is remembrance.  I need to stop and remember I am HIS daughter.

My help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth.  He will not allow your foot to slip; He who keeps you will not slumber.

You need no sleep Lord, so I may rest.  You stay awake and alert, guarding your daughter.  You and you alone are my HELP;  my help in ALL things.  I can rest because you fight for me in the battle between all of those powerful forces and my weary state.  You strengthen me.

I glance to my right and gasp in awe.  My path brings me to an open space among trees.  Fireflies sprinkle illuminated glitter low above the grass.  Is it already time for them?  Who knows how they know.  How they know it's warm enough.  How they know when to bring the light into darkness.  Perhaps they are always there, glowing in and out, and only when our day darkens are we able to see this gift.

Hmm.  I smile.  A tear pools.  As the blinking yellow glow of fireflies whisper "summer's coming...summer's coming....", my Heavenly Father reminds me my help isn't just on the way.  It's always been here.  Sometimes, I haven't seen it.  Sometimes, I've had to go looking for it.  Sometimes, I've had to wait for it.  And sometimes, I've been surprised to find it glowing in breathtaking beauty in the midst of darkness.  And it has taken my breath away.

My help comes from the Lord.